On God.
We yoga teachers never get it right.
Too devoted to the wrong guru, or not devoted enough.
Unsubstantial due to our lack of faith, or so desperately seeking faith that we come across as lost, unprofessional even.
It’s impossible to teach or practice yoga without exploring spirituality at some point, which might mean looking for your guru, or an understanding of God. I dabbled for years, searching, hoping and judging. I scowled at the buddhist meditation teacher during a YTT in New York, for telling me to seek out and endure the suffering. Suffering? Suffering in my early 20’s was actually waiting for my next margarita, and I had a strong aversion to that kind of suffering.
Twenty years on, I understand more of those once-scowled-at Buddhist teachings, heck, I even try to embrace them. But in hindsight, the most meaningful learning that has stayed with me is the need to work through the judgment that surrounds our quest for spirituality.
We can get so distracted by right and wrong, good or bad, just or unjust.
All of this takes us away from the void within that we’re so eager to fill, and the love that we’re needing to heal it.
Our God, guru, or spiritual belief is anything that helps us come to this moment from our heart rather than our brain. From our truth, rather than what others or society might want us to do.
We can give ourselves permission to go off the grid when connecting to consciousness, so that our intentions bring us closer to love. I find connection can arise through nature, music, or sunlight falling upon the profile of my child.
I recently found the scribble below from 2007, during a yoga therapy training with TKV Desikachar at the KYM in Chennai, India. Four years into teaching, I felt inadequate for not having found my guru and hoped Desikachar would be he. I learnt an immense amount of knowledge from him, but was shattered to walk away still guru-less. I used to skip out of mantra class to write and eat brownies at a cafe nearby, ridden with guilt and pleasure.
Jesus Christ didn’t save me
Speaking tongues didn’t help
If I chant om shanti long enough
Will I find myself?
~ 2007, somewhere in Chennai.
As corny as it sounds, our guru is within. Guidance can be helpful, but when it leaves us too wobbly to trust and decide for ourselves, a bit of space might be good.
Remember that our spiritual awakening is also about stumbling along the path via our own personal navi. It’s not always smooth sailing, but as the Buddhists share so beautifully, sometimes suffering really can teach us a hell of a lot.
Love, Leanne xoxo